


Jotter's Journals

by TheMsource



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alcoholism, All the Ratings, Angst, Crossover, Cute, Dabbles, Drugs, F/M, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief, Issues, Light/Dark Themes, Love, No two are the same, Other, Racism, Random - Freeform, Reader Is Not Chara (Undertale), Reader Is Not Frisk (Undertale), Self-Indulgent, Slice of Life, Songs, Steven Universe Crossover in one chapter, one shots, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-08-20 14:04:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20229076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMsource/pseuds/TheMsource
Summary: Random one shots and dabbles, ratings and warnings tagged on every entry!Mainly a way to give me writing motivation between updates, maybe entertain readers.





	1. Being Biased (Short)

**Author's Note:**

> M rating
> 
> Trigger warnings in end notes to avoid spoils for peeps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> M rating
> 
> Trigger warnings in end notes to avoid spoils for peeps

Sans really didn’t mean to stare, really he didn’t but the way her hair swept across her tanned shoulders as she twirled and hooked her legs to suspend herself left him mesmerized. Sans would like to think he was a pretty chill guy, a rather accepting and tolerant monster. Not that he’d ever admit his tastes were a bit biased.

Ok, a hell of a lot biased.

His bright white eyelights slid down in his sockets as they followed the human woman slide down her slickened poll, her skin flushing and muscles clearly tensing in the effort they used to keep her from falling onto her head in her swift decent. It left his magic stirring uncomfortably.

He didn’t have a particular liking to humans, not in the sensual manner. So it was with a strong reluctance that he’d forced himself to attend the strip club he was currently in. As much as he was attracted to his own kind, unfortunately his species was just a tad too conservative.

And Sans well, he was a horndog.

He was pretty sure if the entire town of snowdin were to be interviewed at least nine out of ten would claim to have bedded the skeleton. But really how was he to help it? They didn’t have an abundance of literature or images to help with libido due to his race’s nature. So imagine how tempting it was to be able to see some form of sensuality where he didn’t have to talk his way into someone’s pants or even to personally interact.

He was too lazy for so much effort.

Which brought him back to his current dilemma, how tantalizing he was suddenly seeing the woman on stage as she arched onto her back with her arms stretched out above her. It couldn’t be the fact she was attractive, like he’d already affirmed he was attracted to monsters. Maybe it was the act she was currently performing? How taboo it was, how if someone from his hometown walked in stars forbid the look of disgust or confusion he’d be given. 

What reaction would he receive if he placed his hands on her, bit at her skin to make it’s vessels break into an array of bruising color? Like a nebula at its birth, blossoming and engulfing the darkness around it with searing light.

Would he be having the same thoughts if it was a monster currently bending and grinding in front of him? Someone so in tune with their nature, just as he was, that bound them to the same state of being? Sans is sure he’d enjoy it just as much if not more, albeit with a touch of shame that would leave his soul quaking in his bones.

He couldn’t see any one of his race doing something like this, so blatant, so lewd.

His breath hitched as the human tossed her head back, twin orbs of brilliant jade locking on him at first in confusion and then gradually into a curious smirk. Sans wasn’t into humans, he was sure of it.

But the way this one twisted and danced, flaunted her earth given body with such practiced ease and the least bit of shame made him feel an unnatural craving. Humans were so open and utterly crass. He watched as she stood up bare as the day she was born, except for those midnight black stilettos on her feet, and sauntered over to where he sat by the stage.

“Haven’t seen you around here before.” Her voice came out a husky feminine rasp as she slowly squatted and spread her knees wide, a perfect triangular patch of purple the only thing keeping the apex of her covered. Sans swallowed and slowly drug his eyelights up to lock with her own sultry gaze. 

“what do pirates and strip clubs have in common?” He found himself speaking despite the way his bones bordered on rattling. He was far from a prude or shy, but he’d never been so exposed to this level of promiscuity, this much sexual tension. She blinked for a moment and stilled in her movements to tilt her head, a small smile gracing her cherry bomb red lips.

“What?” Sans grinned.

“neither can get enough booty.” Her laughter started with an undignified snort, making her skin blush a furious pink that spread along her jaw and neck. Sans eyelights followed it down to the soft swell of her breasts, the luscious mounds bouncing jovially in her humor.

Sans wasn’t into humans, he was biased, preferred his own people.

But as his magical eyes moved back up to her blissfully happy face he couldn’t help but feel his magic surge in want and absolute desire. She raised a brow and slowly crawled forward before gliding onto her stomach, gracefully rolling onto her back till her upside down face lined up with his. Briefly he watched her hands trail her body down to her navel before her voice drew his gaze back to hers.

“You busy later?” Sans raised a bony brow of his own. He examined her face for but a moment before smiling. That was a genuine invitation for his company. He leaned close enough that his vision became nothing but the depth of her green irises, the light of her soul shining through her dark pupils.

“i’m always free.” He watched her soul pulse and his voice couldn’t help but slip into a purr. He wondered how exactly she wanted their time spent that she’d just asked him for. He had no doubt what one of the ways would play out but honestly, he felt just being near her would be enough to slate his growing hunger. 

Whatever she had just inspired in him left his soul thrumming and he couldn’t help the thrill that made his ribs contract as the prospect of indulging in forbidden fruit ran through his mind. He wondered if she was considered attractive among her kind, with the way her lengthy hair shimmered beneath the stage lights and how her skin glowed from the layer of sweat currently coating it.

Sans was biased…

But not for the taboo human before him.

~~~

Sans stared in shock, magical tears mixing with the hot rain pelting him as he held her in his arms. One hand pressed into her wet locks and the other shaking as it pressed into the wound in her chest trying to stem the blood flow, the slipping of her life.

“That’s what you get for stepping outside of your own kind!” Sans couldn’t bring himself to look up at their assailant, the rodent monster sneering as he tucked his pistol back into his coat before he turned away. He should've summoned a blaster, locked him within a cage of bone, but all he could see as his breathing became rapid was the dulling of her jade eyes. She coughed as she placed a hand onto his cheek, Sans letting out a small sob at the contact.

Her once warm hands becoming colder as time fell away from them. 

“b-babydoll…” Sans choked on his term of endearment for her. She could only smile gently at him.

“It’s alright Sans...we both knew I was going to die before you anyways…” His sockets squeezed shut as he placed his forehead against hers, his hand within her hair petting her almost frantically. If he could, he’d teleport her, save her life, but with how quickly she was dying, how fast her blood rushed from her he couldn’t risk a trip through the void. He couldn’t risk her soul shattering within its depths and erasing her.

If there was anything he refused to do it would be having to forget her. 

He opened his sockets and bit back a whine at how pale her skin had gotten, how it’s natural shimmer dulled beneath the downpour of rain around them. 

“i love you…” He whispered. She widened her eyes fractionally in surprise before a weak chuckle slipped out. He could still remember the first time he made her laugh, how her body and very being had reacted to him. 

He’d never see that again.

“Guess...you do find me...attractive after all huh?” That was a cruel understatement. He wished he’d never been honest when she’d asked him that three years ago, both of them spent and exhausted beneath shared sheets. Had never told her how biased he was, how near sighted he had been.

“you’re fucking gorgeous.” He whispered reverently. Slowly she raised both her shaking hands and lowered his mouth to hers, her sweet and fragile lips locking with his harsh and bitter bony ones. It was a glorious contrast he had never truly had enough of. She let him pull back just enough to lock eyes one last time.

“I love you too.” Sans felt his world stall as her breath slid out and her arms fell uselessly beside her. He could only stare in bewilderment and all encompassing fear. He could only guess at why it had been taboo for humans and monsters to mix and now he understood. 

It was a whole nother level of cruelty when your loved one couldn’t vanish into dust, when you were left clutching at a shell that at any moment led you to believe they’d blink or laugh, maybe even produce a smile. It was unnerving. 

It made his soul crack.

Sans was biased...he should’ve stayed that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, Death


	2. LA Devotee (Song Fic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> M rating!
> 
> Trigger's in the bottom notes to avoid spoils!

“Do you have to go?”  
“...do you want me to stay?”  
“...I…”  
“...”  
“I want you to have what you want.”  
“y/n…”  
“Don’t--forget to write me...please?”

_You got two black eyes from loving too hard_  
_And a black car that matches your blackest soul_

Sans was running. And he knew he was.

_I wouldn't change ya, oh_  
_Wouldn't ever try to make you leave, no_

He shut his eyesockets briefly, his thoughts still lingering. With a sigh he opened them again and smiled, a city awash in shimmering color and light greeting him. This was the best thing he could do, for all three of you. He let the wonder of the city as he entered it drown out the feeling of guilt and abandonment. Let it wash away the sight of you in his brother’s arms.

_Oh, the neon coast was your sign_  
_And the Midwest wind with Pisces rising_

He was quick to adjust to city life, quicker than he had been adjusting to the surface, adjusting to mingling with humanity as a whole. Within a week he had an apartment and a well paying job, he could afford expensive suits and the endless supply of liquor in his cabinet.

_I wouldn't change ya, oh_  
_Wouldn't ever try to make you leave, no_

Sometimes in the dead of night he dreamt of you, sometimes in the brightness of day he dwelled in nostalgia. You were so perfect as far as most humans went, so understanding and fun to be around. There was never a dull moment. He shouldn’t have been surprised when Papyrus had confessed to you.

_Static palms melt your vibe..._

She looked like you, smelled like you, he had assured it when he’d brought her back to his place and handed her the clothing and perfume. Was it really so wrong? To pretend and indulge? He was sure in the moment you were laid out beneath his sibling...even as he pounded and grunted, filled the room with moans he imagined were yours.

_Midnight whisperings…_

He drank the memory of the stranger in his bed away as he readied for a new day.

_The black magic of Mulholland Drive_  
_Swimming pools under desert skies_  
_Drinking white wine in the blushing light_

He mingled and partied, joked and worked with little to no effort. He’d glance down at his phone on occasion when it would ring, but then turn it mute as he accepted another drink from the bartender. It was his routine, enjoy himself, ignore the calls. He could pretend he had no obligations that he’d left behind as he drifted on a pool float, his sunglasses reflecting bright sunlight.

_Just another LA Devotee_

Sans gambled and raked in large pots of chips, would do so while rubbing elbows with rich investors. He’d have two to three women both monster and human hanging off his arms as he dazzled them with his techniques. He’d pretend that he didn’t purposely devote more attention to one of them the closer they looked to you.

_Sunsets on the evil eye_  
_Invisible to the Hollywood shrine_  
_Always on the hunt for a little more time_

He listened to the voicemails, chuckled along to his brother’s jubilant proclamations half submerged in a bottle of scotch. Listened to your concerned voice and burn under its light lilt with a hand down his expensive cashmere pants. Then he’d walk out of whatever seedy motel he had chosen to hide in with a perk in his step.

_Just another LA Devotee_

He fooled everyone; his bosses, his neighbors, those that thought themselves his friends. A constant smile plastered on as he wandered beneath neon lights, enjoyed food at the most expensive and greasiest restaurants, even rode skates casually while whistling, the bright sunlight highlighting the paleness of his bones down the sidewalk.

It all became a blur.

_Just another, just another, uh oh_

Thrusting and grunting like his life depended on it--

_Just another, just another, uh oh_

Punning as if the very earth was dropping out from his feet--

_Just another, just another, uh oh_

Drinking and eating as if it was going out of style--

_Just another LA Devotee_

He let the sins of the city become his own, his personality the same as the day he’d left home but different in it’s stoicness. He loved the tall buildings and twisting streets, it was so easy to become lost in, so easy not to compare to the town he’d left.

_You got bleached out eyes from the valley sand_  
_And a black tar palms keep weeping your name_

Sans wondered just where it had all gone down hill. He was living life to the fullest, had achieved more than he ever had when he was with those he loved. Maybe that was the problem, he wasn’t meant to be so successful, so independent and wealthy. He was meant to laze about, a chill and contented monster amidst a bed of support, barely making anything in exchange for those few gracious laughs and smiles that mattered.

_I couldn't change ya, oh_  
_Couldn't ever try to make you see, no_

You had barely lived in their town for a day before Sans met you, ketchup and other condiments covering you from having tripped just next to him. All it had taken was a joke about you being his favorite thing to drink that got you laughing, that got him falling.

_The high rise lights read your rights_  
_And a downtown storm with Aries rising_

He barely felt as the cops slipped the cuffs on him, his mind a drunken haze as he vaguely heard one of his coworkers shouting indignantly behind him. The human he had struck being tended to by the paramedics while the woman Sans had protected from his assault gave another officer her statement. Now that he looked at her, she looked far less like you than he’d thought. Her worried filled eyes locking on him as he was shoved into the police vehicle.

_I couldn't change ya, oh_  
_Couldn't ever try to make you see, no_

He should’ve noticed the way Papyrus had blushed when he’d introduced you two, seen how his constantly excited brother became even more so when you mentioned coming over. Sans was struck with shock when you both came out to him as dating. But he repressed his hurt and jealousy. 

His brother was so happy, and you were just glowing under Papyrus’s smile.

_Static palms melt your vibe…_

Sans groaned as luscious lips engulfed his magic, the state of his torn and rumbled clothing far from his mind as a delicious heat permeated his bones. He kept his sockets closed, let his breathing overlap the lewd noises as he tried and failed not to think of your mouth on his dear brother like this, to wish he had never let you two meet.

_Midnight whisperings…_

Sans lied to himself silently as he swore he didn’t miss you, still craved you and his family’s company. He had never felt emptier than he did when his magic surged and left him. His imaginings gone just as swiftly as he was from the strange apartment.

_The black magic on Mulholland Drive_  
_Swimming pools under desert skies_  
_Drinking white wine in the blushing light_

It was a shock to those around when he was fired, but Sans strolled out without a care in the world. He whistled and hummed as he drove in his car down the boulevard, the hot wind of the city brushing passed his skull as it carried away the scent of booze and the previous night’s prison visit.

_Just another LA Devotee_

He walked along the beach trading jokes with strange kids he didn’t know, made friends with a few adults, eventually got employed again making more money than he had previously. And once more found himself repeating the pattern, neck deep in liquor and prostitutes, numbly eating just because he knew he had to. Becoming a shell.

_Sunsets on the evil eye_  
_Invisible to the Hollywood shrine_  
_Always on the hunt for a little more time_

Sans didn’t even think as his gambling became an addiction, didn’t break his ever present smile as he consumed some shrooms here, coke there. It was just another day in the city, another way to earn investors and make connections. 

_Just another LA Devotee_

It wasn’t until his world blurred again, until he lost track of time and consequences that he felt a building pit of nausea and self-hate. His smile began to falter into a strained grimace, and still he persisted in his negative pursuits all in the hope he could still become lost and pacified by them.

_Just another, just another, uh oh_

He couldn’t feel the person beneath him, could only sob--

_Just another, just another, uh oh_

The whiskey didn’t dull his senses, it sharpened his grief--

_Just another, just another, uh oh_

No matter how high he got it was always a bad trip--

_Just another LA Devotee_

Sans’s reality didn’t come back to him until he had failed to make an obvious pun, an old overused one that he’d never failed to toss out at first opportunity. It was deathly sobering. He listened to the voicemails after a long day trying to fake his happiness at work. It had been so much effort to not simply fall down.

_LA Devotee_

“Sans…” He stiffened. “Please...come home.” He couldn’t. “We miss you, I miss you.” 

Sans couldn’t betray Papyrus like that, no matter how much he missed you. 

How much he craved you.

“I...I should’ve said something. I wanted you to stay.” He closed his sockets. “You mean so much to me Sans, so much. Every joke of yours lights up my day no matter how repetitive they are. I...can’t even look at ketchup now without feeling...lost.” He choked on a sob. 

_LA Devotee_

“Brother.” Papyrus sounded so small and quiet. “I Think This Vacation Of Yours Has Gone On Long Enough.” He wished it was just a vacation.

“...I Don’t Understand Why You Left.” His poor innocent brother, how could he explain? Tell him? He knew in a heartbeat Papyrus would give you up if he even knew for a second how Sans felt--

“I Love You Sans. Just As I Know You Love Me...And Y/n.” He couldn’t breathe. “I Think You Have Broken Our Hearts Enough. What Hurts More Than Anything, Is How You Thought For Even A Moment Our Love Wouldn’t Include You...Come Home.” Sans was numb as the recording ended.

_LA Devotee_

Papyrus knew. This whole time Papyrus had known Sans’s feelings, you had known. He could’ve been there the whole time, he never had to leave. But he was so messed up now, he had done so many horrible things while he was here--

Would you both even forgive him?

_LA Devotee_

It took but a moment of thought for him to admit you both wouldn’t hesitate to welcome him back. For him to accept that he could go home, he could be happy. He could still be with his brother and have you without harming the only family he truly had.

He didn’t even flinch as he stood and the nearly empty bottle fell from his lap.

_The black magic on Mulholland Drive_  
_Swimming pools under desert skies_  
_Drinking white wine in the blushing light_

Sans waved to nobody as he passed the tall buildings, cranked up the volume on his stereo with a lazy shrug. He was reminiscing even as he was gladly leaving behind everything he’d known for the last year. All the beautiful sights were nothing in comparison to the thought of his brother’s awful cooking.

_Just another LA Devotee_

None of it was even a glimmer in the wake of your smile.

_Sunsets on the evil eye_  
_Invisible to the Hollywood shrine_  
_Always on the hunt for a little more time_

Before he knew it the city was gone, its reflection in the rear view mirror giving way to a stretch of endless road. He didn’t even notice time pass by him as all too soon the familiar sight of short buildings and cobbled walkways embraced him. Sans didn’t stop until he spotted the two story house, a stark red scarf blowing in the chill breeze. Papyrus stilled in place for only a second before he was rushing inside, Undyne left to stare in shock as the older skeleton brother pulled into the driveway.

_Just another LA Devotee_

You came out with a look of pure desperation and it took Sans's breath away. You stopped and both simply stared at each other. You looked just as beautiful as you had when he’d left. He held his smile even as his soul fluttered in his chest.

_Just another, just another, uh oh_

You ran--

_Just another, just another, uh oh_

He held his arms out--

_Just another, just another, uh oh_

You both collided and clung to each other, your tears and sobs smothered against him as Papyrus came out to join. Sans let out an equally ugly sob as he kissed you, fully embraced by both of the people he loved most.

_**Just another LA Devotee!**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drugs, Prostitution, Alcoholism


	3. Make a Change (Crossover Short)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops!  
Accidentally crossed universes! :D
> 
> Undertale/Steven Universe
> 
> Rating T
> 
> Triggers in bottom notes!

Sans stood just before the hall of judgement, his stance relaxed as he watched the kid approach. He couldn’t help but let his grin stretch as Chara stopped in their tracks, their vessel Frisk’s eyes widening with their crimson coloration in surprise. Sans’s eyes fell down to the diamond embedded in their stomach and sure enough the normally purple hue was tinted a dark black. 

“hey kid.” He greeted as he straightened up from his slouch.

“Sans?” Chara’s reverb echoed from Frisk’s throat. Their face scrunching up in confusion.

“surprised?” Their silence was answer enough.

“yeah i’d be too. ya see i had a talk with my bro before you dusted him and all.” Sans was surprised his voice didn’t dip with how much it hurt to say that statement. Chara raised a brow questioningly as they scratched the side of their thigh absently with the tip of the manifested knife they clutched.

“Did you.” They drawled indifferently. Sans chuckled.

“sure did. and well, unlike you i actually listened. he convinced me y’know.” Chara snorted.

“Convinced you I could be better?” Sans shrugged.

“convinced me that you’re _both_ worth saving.” The child looked as if they’d been slapped.

“after all you couldn’t just take her over, not without her influence and willingness at least. it’s why i choose to wait outside my hall instead of in it.” Their eyes widened. Sans knew they understood but decided to confirm their suspicions.

“yep i can’t kill you out here, karma doesn’t work outside the hall. otherwise i’d gain LV, and i’m just not about that y’know.” Chara stared at him in disbelief before bursting into high pitched laughter, tears as black as their tainted gem running down their cheeks.

“You really are an idiot aren’t you!?” Sans shut his sockets and then cracked one open humorously, his deep baritone cutting off their glee.

“_i can make a promise._” Chara flinched as an image of Toriel flashed across their vision, a warm smile and the scent of cinnamon-butterscotch pie flooding their senses. They shook their head trying to dispel the sudden influx of sympathy and nostalgia, a childish growl slipping from between their teeth.

“What the hell was that!?” Chara cried angrily. 

“that’s the power of my gem bucko. i can make you face your sins, recall your emotions.” Sans could only continue to smile as a look of true fear flashed across their twisted features. They charged and Sans dodged easily, one socket remaining focused as he continued to sing.

“_i can make a plan._” Chara cried out as they remembered Asriel’s face as they ate the first buttercup, the young prince’s sadness as they laid dying. They shook as they felt Frisk’s consciousness stir and fought to repress her as Frisk’s emotions rolled across their body like a sickness, regret and sorrow doubling the grief flooding Chara as flashes of her vessel’s memories coalesced with theirs. Dust and outstretched welcoming arms.

“_i can make a difference._” Chara choked and turned as they rushed towards the singing skeleton, the blue opal on his chest shimmering brilliantly from beneath the white of his shirt. Missing as they struck at him, as memories of Frisk on a pacifist run threw their balance and Chara recalling their awe at Frisk’s determination and kindness despite the abuse they suffered at the monster’s hands.

“_i can take a stand._” In their desperation they swung blindly and rapidly at Sans who continued to dodge, his song never faltering in it’s cadence and delivery. Chara’s tears and Frisk’s both mixing in a sickly combination of tainted soul residue and salty water down their cheeks as they became flooded with their horror recalling the first time Frisk had taken a life, and how they’d sickeningly enjoyed it. 

Why, why did they like it?!

“_i can make an effort._” Chara trying to protect Asriel, trying to strike down the humans attacking their shared body with all their strength from years of pent up rage and bitterness. In a bid of panic for their loved one who had been kind enough to save them and bury them despite how twisted they were, how dark and messed up their mind had been. Frisk resisting their silent pleas to stop killing the monsters. Drowning them in the hatred they’d once forgotten. 

They shouted like a mad person as they ran towards Sans and kicked out at him. Cursing as the nimble skeleton jumped and weaved their blows. They couldn’t take this, it was worse than the first time they’d ever fought him. Sans had never played with their memories like this, had never cared enough to try and spare them. 

His eyelight dimmed, their emotions easily read and deciphered under his scrutiny. Sans looked regretful even as he continued to sing. His tone increasing in silent apology.

“_if i only understand…_” Chara and Frisk wailed as the memory of their first meeting crossed their being in a vortex of confusion and fear, of greed and anticipation. The knife vanished from their hand as they began to desperately strike and reach, their feet dragging and propelling them blindly after Sans who only continued to out maneuver them. 

“_that i~_” Sans teleported behind them and leaned down close to their ear, his tone gentle and comforting. “_i can make a change._” Chara shouted as they spun only to fall to their knees as an overwhelming pain shot through their head. Frisk’s consciousness battling to rear itself from the confines of it’s imprisonment in their corrupted gem. Sans stood in place watching as Chara began to pant as they struggled.

“i believe in ya kid, in both of you.” 

“The hell you do! After what we’ve done?! Yeah right, no one believes in us anymore not with the dust on our hands!” Chara spat as they repressed Frisk violently and brutally, her wail of anguish going ignored as they ran at Sans. His expression became abnormally soft as he slid out of the way, their game of dodging and fighting continuing as they danced around each other.

“you can stop this, you can stop _all_ of this. i know it’s eating you alive.”

“Stop pretending to know us!” Chara rematerialized their blade and flung it at him, Sans barely moving fast enough to avoid it. He chuckled as he materialized his trombone and began to play it, the melody of the instrument hitting the child like a wave of pure power that sent them flying backwards into a wall. Chara shook as they blocked their ears and fell into a crouch. Tried to endure the music Sans produced under the influence of his gem’s power. 

“you only have to believe in yourself pal.” Sans called out as the trombone dematerialized in his hands, it’s ability runout as it was absorbed back into the core of his being. Chara looked up at Sans in shock at his encouraging words, feeling the silent plea of Frisk through their connection. 

Sans sounded so genuine, like he meant it. When he started to sing again his smile was true and Chara could feel the affection and understanding pouring out of him that it gave them pause. They had never seen such brightness from his eyelights.

“_you can make it different._” They had the power to restart to try again. It would be a clean slate, a new start that would carry no repercussions of the current timeline. Frisk cried out and pushed against Chara crying for a reset, begging for justice! For a chance at something new!

“_you can make it right._” Chara groaned in pain, they could get everyone to the surface and live their lives. Monsters could be free to spread what they were at the core of their beings, love and hope, compassion. Bring magic back to the world of man.

“_you can make it better._” No one would have to suffer, everyone could be happy and forget this had ever happened. Chara and Frisk both could work for silent forgiveness, make unknown amends as they tried to be better, do better for themselves and those they loved! They looked up at Sans in doubt, their eyes glassy in hope and despair.

“_we don’t have to fight!_” Sans smiled and he threw out his arms in an accepting, welcoming gesture as his clothes billowed under the influence of his magic and Chara’s eyes widened as they saw Papyrus mimicked across Sans’s visage. Understanding of just where the younger brother’s endless well of mercy had come from dumbfounding them.

They screwed their eyes shut as the tears turned to streams, ugly childish bubbles of snot and wails pouring out of them. They wanted to, everything in their souls wanted to accept and relent with shocking remorse.

“_you can make an effort._” Chara and Frisk both shivered and gagged as their wills battled the taint in them, dark thick globs of corrupted molasses and evil falling from their mouth as their limbs bent and angled under the dark influence they’d cultivated. The images of the ones they both called friends and family giving strength to their resistance.

Everything could be undone, could be fixed--

**Except for one thing** the darkness whispered.

“_starting with tonight~_” They looked up at Sans with bloodshot eyes as he knelt in front of them, his hand coming to rest on their shoulder in comfort and encouragement. They barely moved as he pulled them into a surprising embrace. A gentle display they’d never known he was capable of doing.

And it hurt them more than the many lives they’d taken.

More than the atrocities they’d committed.

“_cuz you~_” They curled into Sans’s shirt huddled in his embrace as the light from his gem warmed their sweaty and chilled skin. All of his memories and compassion, all that made Sans who he was bathing them in a shower of love. 

And they regretted what they had to do.

“_you can make a change._” Sans’s voice cut out as he felt a searing burn, his hold on them going tight as he slowly looked down with eyelights the size of pinpricks. Chara quivered and looked up at him sadly as they withdrew their knife from his blue opal. His glance was quizzical and they couldn’t help but to answer him.

They owed him that.

“You are the only one who’d never forget.” Their voice came out broken and raspy. Sans repressed a cough and then slowly grinned, his arms pulling them ever closer to him. And the gesture left the foundation of their world as shattered as his gem was. They cried out as he dissolved, his cracked and splintered opal falling into their outstretched hand as his dust covered them.

Chara and Frisk were left alone, sitting outside the now judgeless judgement hall for the longest time simply staring at the lifeless gem.

Their fingers curled over it as their voice came out in near a whisper.

“You can’t make everything better just by singing some stupid song…”

And they RESET.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Character Death  
Sorry I loved the movie/series and this song just got to me!  
No Shame! <3


	4. Ten Times Sans Messed Up...(Short)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating T

The **first** time Sans messed up he had been trying to follow you, his hoodie pulled up to shield his skull and his hands firmly in his pockets. You had just met his brother and himself the previous week at the local doughnut shop. 

While he had been indifferent about it Papyrus had latched onto you with a fervor. So Sans naturally had to do recon on his sibling’s new ‘best friend’.

No way was he allowing someone concerning Papyrus to be a mystery.

He watched as you entered a Starbucks, the building mostly see through windows but thankfully full of customers. The skeleton wouldn’t be able to stalk from outside do to how blatant a view of him would be from inside, but he could easily blend into a crowd. 

He was sure you weren’t aware of him as you typed away at your laptop, was confidant he was casual enough not to warrant attention as he ordered a coffee while keeping you in his peripheral, and felt secure that you were completely unaware of him as he sauntered passed you blended into a group of three other people. His goal to be claiming a table somewhat behind you.

“Hey Sans.” He froze and slowly stopped to look down at you. Your smile was wide and unassuming as you looked up at him. His magic stained his cheeks at how easily you had caught him. Had he been out of the game that long that he’d gotten sloppy?

“hey.” He mumbled awkwardly. How was he supposed to get out of this situation? Explain it away?

“What brings you here?” You asked happily, you looked positively ecstatic to see him. And that threw him further off his game. His mind blanked and as the silence stretched he saw your smile shrink slightly. It made him flustered.

And he ended up holding out his drink to you. 

You blinked as you looked down at it and slowly back up at him. Sans’s soul thumping anxiously in embarrassment as your smile grew back up the inch it’d fallen.

“For me?” Sans didn’t say a word, simply waited as you gently reached for it. Once your hand was securely around it he teleported. Ignoring how his phalanges tickled from you having accidentally brushed them.

The **second** time Sans messed up it was your first visit to their house for spaghetti night. He had been napping on the couch while his brother worked away at the disaster that was going to be their meal. The ringing of the doorbell making him grumble as it dragged him from his lucid dreaming. 

With a grunt he fell lazily from the couch onto the floor in a muffled thump before rising to his feet with a sigh and shuffling over to answer the door. His sockets went wide as they landed on you, a light blue dress fitting you like a glove making him blush, but it was the gift box that you were holding out to him with no preamble that left him disoriented. He reached out for it automatically and moved to allow you entry, your explanation spilling from your lips without prompting.

“Thought I’d bring something for you and Paps since you were both kind enough to invite me over.” Sans’s skull flexed in the echo of a raised brow as he looked down at the box and opened it. It held two Christmas sweaters; one royal blue and the other tangerine orange. 

“thanks pal.” Sans snickered already knowing there would be puns on them. Papyrus would act like he didn’t appreciate it, though he secretly did, so Sans naturally had no qualms openly grinning as he pulled out the blue one to read it.

‘Meowy Christmas’ with a picture of two cats sporting Santa hats inside of a box. It was too cute. He looked up at your expectant gaze and chuckled.

“your sense of humor really sleighs heh.” A sharp cry of outrage from the kitchen made you giggle and Sans couldn’t help snickering while you wandered off to go give the second sweater to the louder monster. His eyelights peered down at the gift he held and honestly though you looked good in your dress he couldn’t help but want to return the gesture.

With a flourish Sans pulled off his thread bare shirt and shimmied the new top on, pleasantly surprised at how snug it fit his frame. It only solidified his resolve as he stepped through the void and exited in the middle of Walmart's clothing section. Whistling he maneuvered down until he came to the sought after display and let his eyes pan the selections.

They were all various forms of hilarious, one sweater almost tempting him into getting just for the raunchy humor on it but decided against it. Casually he looked at one that was the same color however since it matched your dress, ‘all spruced up and ready to par-tree’. 

It was perfect.

Sans wasted no time snatching one up, shuffling to a self checkout lane and paying for the gift before he was falling back through the void and into the living room. His brother's jovial voice catching his attention as he spoke with you. 

“YES SANTA TENDS TO COME RATHER EARLY THE MORNING OF THAN THE NIGHT PRIOR, SEEMS HE GETS TIGHT ON HIS DELIVERY SCHEDULE.” You hummed as Sans entered the kitchen, shooting him a conspiratory smirk. 

“Sounds like a real Sansta.” The shorter monster shot you a wink as he moved to stand beside his brother, Papyrus raising a brow quizzically as his sockets moved down to the sweater Sans offered out to you. You snorted as you reached for it.

“Oh you didn’t have to!” Sans shrugged as he aimed a passing glance at the sweater his brother had put on, a plate of spaghetti with mistletoe above it. Clever.

“figured you could match, make it the three musketeers.” Papyrus grinned.

“HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU BROTHER! DO YOU LIKE IT Y/N?” Sans waited patiently as you read it and then tensed as your face lit up in a furious blush. Why had your face gone fifty shades of red? Slowly you gave Papyrus and him a timid smile and tucked the sweater around your arm.

“I’ll be sure to wear it...when i get home.” Sans frowned.

“WHY DON’T YOU WEAR IT NOW? SANS DID BUY IT FOR YOU TO WEAR WITH US.” You looked over at Sans and very slowly slid the sweater over your head, your gaze averted as it settled on your frame. Sans’s eyelights extinguished.

‘I put out for Santa’ with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk pictured below it. 

The skeleton hadn’t double checked to make sure the sweaters hadn’t gotten mixed up. Which he should’ve since that happened constantly at the superstore. And you had just got done with a sneaky exchange in which Sans had confirmed he did in fact play Santa. It would’ve been fine if that exchange hadn’t happened.

Dinner was awkward for the both of you that night, at least Papyrus enjoyed himself.

The **third** time Sans messed up it was your birthday, and you had both gotten into a fight the day before. He initially showed up to try and talk to you about it on his sibling’s insistence. Sans hadn’t expected to arrive in a crowded living room full of your family members all situated around a cake you were about to blow out.

He had honestly forgotten what the day was and felt mortified as you and your relatives all fell silent to look at him in bewilderment. Sans didn’t realize he had stage fright until he went to speak and choked, instead coughing into a closed fist before waving it with a forced hey. Your smile strained.

“Hey, didn’t expect to see you today.” Sans went to say something but an older woman next to you spoke before he could.

“Y/n darling who is this?” He didn’t like the look in her eyes, they were playful and full of hidden intent. He felt his soul curl as you looked away awkwardly, a small drop of sweat running down your face as your voice came out with a waver.

“This is Sans, he’s a friend of mine Aunt Bartha.” ‘Aunt Barf’ more like hummed in a way that was teasing, almost knowing and it made Sans itch to just teleport away. Then an older man pulled out an empty seat and motioned towards it. Sans’s eyelights lingered on the seat uncertainly before looking at you for permission. 

A nod was all he needed before falling into it with an awkward chuckle. After your family took a moment to stare at him a bit longer the talking resumed. The man that had offered him the seat and he’d come to learn was Uncle Jake opening a friendly dialogue on the recent monster politics. While he was grateful the guy was being considerate towards him, Sans didn’t really keep track of such things as new laws or anything.

Not off the job at least.

He was midnod at something Jake had said before the conversation you were involved in drew his attention, the apprehension in your tone and the way your inflection dipped making his protective instincts flare. You both may not have been on the best of terms at the moment but Sans was always watchful over those he cared about. So it wasn’t surprising to see it was Aunt Barf that you were talking to.

“I’m simply saying you really need to find a partner soon.” She quipped.

“I’m only 24 what’s it matter if I have someone right now or not?” You asked defensively. Another woman seated on the other side of you sniffed indignantly.

“Bartha is only looking out for you. At thirty the likelihood of becoming a parent drops.” Sans didn’t notice the way his face had scrunched up or the fact Jake had stopped talking to listen as well. All the monster could see was your uncomfortableness. Was this seriously a discussion to have on your birthday? Let alone any of their business?

“Yes, and then there’s your looks to consider.” Barf mentioned with an air of casualness that made Sans’s magic surge angrily in his bones. What did your looks have to do with parenthood? 

“My looks?” You asked timidly, only making Sans’s silent stewing grow.

“You’re already losing some of the buoyancy and brightness your youth provided you, you’re going to want to find yourself someone before you start to blemish and wrinkle. It’s bad enough you hardly wear makeup or anything to hide your blandness” It was the moment that Sans saw your hand passively touch your cheek that he’d had enough.

“y/n’s beautiful!” Everyone fell deathly quiet as they all turned to look at him, their sudden attention making him jolt. He blushed furiously under their scrutiny but locked eyelights with your shocked face. They had no right tearing you down, certainly not on your birthday.

“it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about it.” He mumbled. Your smile was enough to light up a room and you shot the woman beside you a look, your tone coming out curt.

“I think it’s time for cake.” Sans spent the rest of the party staring at his plate, not even speaking as Jake gave him a sly wink. He was just grateful the both of you made up long after everyone had left, your playful teasing easing out the awkwardness his words had filled him with.

The **fourth** time Sans messed up he had simply had the worst timing. It had been a bad day; he’d barely gotten any sleep due to nightmares, had to attend his second job, forgotten Papyrus needed to be picked up so showed an hour late leaving him guilty at his brother’s worried glance. 

Sans had gone drinking. 

He didn’t do it often, it wasn’t an unhealthy addiction just enough to take the edge off. And hopefully enough to give him a deep dreamless sleep when he eventually went back home later in the night. So it was a bit of a surprise to find you asleep on their couch when he fell from the void. Sans sighed as he looked down at you tightly wrapped in a thin blanket with your hair spread over a plush pillow.

You shivered. Yeah he had figured the blanket wasn’t thick enough. His brother was considerate but sometimes he forgot just how fragile the human body was to temperature. Being a skeleton Papyrus didn’t need a thick blanket, it wasn’t about warmth it was about softness, sensation. 

Sans’s eyelights watched you shiver once more and before he knew it he was teleporting into his room, withdrawing his thick duvet from his blanket ball and then appearing once more beside you, stumbling as his foot landed on the edge of the blanket he carried.

“Mm Sans?” You croaked as you raised your head uncertainly. Sans mentally cursed, he hadn’t meant to wake you up. 

“sup?” He slurred. Your nose wiggled cutely as your eyes squinted sleepily at him.

“Have you been drinking?” Sans merely grunted before shaking out the blanket and letting it fall over you, your eyes blinking in surprise as you popped your head out from under it like an adorable gopher. 

“What’s this for?” Sans rolled his eyelights.

“‘s cold. don’t want you to get sick.” You snorted before smiling at him with a soft expression. If he had been sober he probably would’ve been more concerned about it. But as it was it made his soul feel warm in his chest and he ended up giving a rather dopey smile in return.

“You really care about me don’t you?” You whispered. Sans snickered.

“what can i say? not _socks_ but make a good _pair_!” His words came out groggily as he attempted to shrug, barely managing to regain his balance. You chuckled and he found himself smirking at how pink your cheeks flushed. He couldn’t resist jabbing a phalange into one, marveling at how soft your skin was and the way it bowed beneath his touch. You stared at him frozen as he leaned back and waved at you with one open socket.

“night.” You mumbled the word back to him as you watched him disappear with a small crack. When Sans woke up the next morning and recalled what had happened he refused to leave his room. His shame keeping him buried beneath his thinner covers.

The **fifth** time Sans had accidentally teleported in on you changing. 

He avoided you for a week, but you woke up with an apology card and a tub of ice cream in the freezer at the end of it. You couldn’t stop blushing the whole time you ate the sugary treat.

The **sixth** time Sans had only been wanting to go to the movies with you and Papyrus, unfortunately his brother only heard ‘y/n’ and didn’t let Sans add his name to the end of his sentence. 

The result was Sans being stuffed into a suit he hadn’t worn since he was a teenager, that sadly still fit him. He made a mental note to buy new clothing as the doorbell rang and Papyrus answered it, letting you enter with a soft smile that fell into a curious tilt of your head.

“Uh, why the fancy dress up?” 

“FOR YOUR DATE OF COURSE!” Sans watched as you snickered behind your hand, his smile lifting in the corner as he saw a golden opportunity.

“yeah hope the movies is a suit-able option.” Papyrus looked at him with the fury of a titan, his teeth clenched tight to prevent a smile. But you were looking at him with something akin to genuine interest. You hummed and Sans felt sweat start to bead on his forehead.

“Sure a date sounds nice.” You winked. Sans felt his eyelights go out and he was too shocked to dig his heels in as his brother shoved the both of you onto the porch before slamming the front door shut with finality. Sans blinked and he looked over at you, your face was patient and gleeful. 

Welp too late to turn back now, he had heard the tell tale snap of the front door’s lock. Sometimes he disliked how well his brother knew him. Because there was no way he was going to simply teleport inside and leave you out on your own. Paps would probably refuse to talk to him for a while if he had.

“What are we going to go see?” You asked playfully. Sans took a breath and smiled lazily, forced his body to slump casually as he offered the crook of his elbow. He had to take a moment to keep his breathing calm as he felt the wrap of your hand against him. 

“was thinking the new lion king for paps but…” He rubbed the back of his skull as his words faded out. You chortled and nudged him.

“So romantic! I’m sure he’s going to enjoy hearing how he missed out.” Sans snorted and leveled a look at you; taking in the mischievous eyebrow wiggle you gave him, how your smile went crooked and your eyes lit up as the pupils dilated. The way your human body expressed itself never failed to capture his interest. 

“i’m sure.” He winked before pulling you both into a shortcut. Maybe he should’ve mentioned he only had enough money on him for the tickets and a drink. Hopefully you wouldn’t mind splitting the soda.

The **seventh** time Sans messed up he had been talking to the kid, had lost his temper and sent them home with tears in their eyes. He had tried to remain calm, to keep his composure but the moment they had mentioned attempting to save the stupid flower _again_ he’d snapped.

They couldn’t get it through their head, there was no redemption for the determined plant Flowey was soulless and there was nothing that could be done. Flowey wasn’t even really Asriel, the young prince’s soul had shattered and dispersed eons ago. All sans wanted to do was vent, rant about how stubborn Frisk was and curse how he had no true control over his life.

In the recent ten years on the surface he had finally opened up to his younger brother. Had told him about every reset and every secret concerning his yellow petaled friend. Papyrus had taken the news of his multiple lives and deaths with ease. So much so that Sans was able to trust he had done the right thing by confessing. 

Papyrus had simply said so long as Sans felt better that was what mattered. He didn’t agree with that sentiment but after a year of no signs of night terrors or possible PTSD from his brother he became comfortable just spilling his metaphorical guts out whenever he needed to. Whenever it got to be too much.

Unfortunately Papyrus wasn’t at home that day, had gone to Undyne’s to spend the night leaving Sans to wallow and stew in his own ramblings and thoughts over Frisk’s words and facial expressions. He didn’t want a reset. Why couldn’t the kid be satisfied? Willing to throw away a decade just for a futile hopefulness concerning something that was barely a creature. It made Sans’s soul drop and shake with a piercing chill. 

Sans would be alone again, his brother’s along with everyone else’s memories wiped away on a child’s whim. All the coworkers and friends they had made gone forever from their lives. He could already feel his apathy starting to rear its ugly head.

And his eyelights shot to his phone, your voice like a bell echoing in his head. Slowly he walked over to it and clutched it to his chest as he fell backwards onto his mattress. He shouldn’t call you he knew that, if Frisk found out you learned about the resets that was as good as a death sentence. 

But he felt so alone.

Sans shakily pulled up your contact and stared at the picture of the both of you at the fair, your face twisted in a goofy expression while he looked at you with crinkled sockets. His thumb hovered over the call button for what felt like an eternity, his soul thumping erratically. 

He pressed it.

And upon hearing your voice he heard his soul sing and felt how it practically seared him in heat. He smiled gently, when had you become such a comfort for him? Sans let you speak for a moment more just to bask in how relieving it was to hear another’s voice. When you spoke asking if he was okay he could only chuckle.

“ya. hearing from you, now i am.” Sans whispered.

The **eighth** time Sans had been selling hot dogs at his stand and chatting with you as he passed off a customer's food, his eyes lidded tiredly even as his voice came out normal and deep. He was in the middle of a joke forming when he noticed your concerned look.

It took him a moment as he waved goodbye absently before looking at you with a frown. When he had called you that night a few weeks back and had a little heart to heart he’d begun to notice how cautious you’d become around him.

It’s not that he didn’t appreciate your consideration, but he didn’t like how it was affecting you. Jokes that were normally offensive but a guilty pleasure between the both of you had simmered down to tame one liners and dad jokes. Sans wasn’t picky when it came to humor but he was picky when it came to the reasoning behind it.

“i’m fine you know, i’m not gonna fall down on you or anything.” You visibly winced and Sans fought not to apologize over it. He was being honest, though he figured that thought had been something bothering you ever since he’d called. You sighed as you ran a hand over your eyes before looking at him with a resignation.

“That obvious?”

“very.” Sans hummed. You chuckled weakly and fell into silence. Sans relented after a few minutes that he’d have to be the one to continue the conversation, you were too upset and maybe a little ashamed of yourself in the moment. You didn’t need to feel that way, he understood where your heart was coming from. In fact it bothered him how insecure about the whole thing you were acting.

“it takes a lot to make a monster fall down. trust me, a bit of a mental break down wouldn’t send me straight to the dust pile.” Your eyes were narrowed dully at the playfulness in his tone.

“That’s not funny Sans.” He snorted.

“didn’t say it was.” He felt a stab of guilt as you looked down and then slowly began to speak, your words coming out quiet and halting.

“I...care about you a lot. I don’t know what I’d do if you fell Sans.” He didn’t know how to respond to that or even what to think. So he did the next best thing, decided to distract you from it. With a whistle he picked up his serving tongs and spun them on the tip of his phalange, your eyes looking up at it curiously. He chuckled before tossing it into the air, your attention fully on the tongs as they twirled once before landing back in his grasp.

“What are you doing?” You asked with a bit back laugh. Sans winked as he spun them between his hands rapidly before vanishing them. You stared.

“Did you...just throw them into the void?” Sans chuckled.

“right, i forgot i told you how my shortcuts works.” You finally laughed, your howls echoing loudly and obnoxiously. Sans smirked and then felt he needed to say something, even though it would most likely wipe off that smile he’d just worked so hard for.

“hey,” You forced your eyes open to focus on Sans as you came down from your giddiness and wiped away a few stray tears. A small hum showing you were listening as you still tried to gather your breath. His smile vanished into a serious and neutral expression.

“i’m not going to fall down alright? but if i ever do, take care of paps.” The statement sobered you like a splash of cold water and Sans could see the shock that slowly faded into calm understanding. His brother was the world to him, and he could see the meaning behind his words click in your mind. Saw them coming from a mile away, even though he knew he shouldn't have let them, should've stopped it before they spun into existence.

But he couldn't bring himself to.

If he was willing to trust you enough to take care of Papyrus, what did that say about his feelings towards you? He noticed the way your face lit up and Sans decided not to correct it, instead he smirked.

“if we’re done, how about we ditch and go get a depresso.” Your snort made him blush.

“Still not funny.” You whispered. And Sans felt only the tiniest iota of regret at having let you get so close to him, his mind wandering on what kind of prank he could plan up later to use on you. He was going to get you to break this mood you'd fallen into even if he had to use all of his best material.

The **ninth** time Sans messed up he had been working with you in the kitchen on Papyrus’s birthday cake, mixing the icing until it was a dull orange and smooth. You had gone around him to check the bread as it baked in the oven, a streak of brighter orange icing running up your chin in a silly smear. 

“you got something on your face.” He remarked as he began to pour the mix into a baking funnel. You snorted as you looked away from the oven and up at him with a playful shake of your head.

“You’re one to talk.” Sans’s eyelights crossed as your finger gestured between them. His sockets crinkled as he reached up and pulled back a surprisingly large dollop of cake mix that he’d probably been wearing the last twenty minutes. With a shrug he licked it from his thumb taking joy in the way your eyes narrowed at him disgustingly.

“Sans! That was raw, there’s no way that’s healthy for you.” He snickered.

“have you been to grillby’s? ‘sides taste just like that ice cream you like.” Your face lit up like a thousand watt light bulb and you looked sharply off to the side as you rubbed absently at where you knew icing had dried on your skin. Gave a firm rub back and forth before refocusing on Sans.

“Gone?” Sans’s grin widened at how you had managed to somehow make it worse. With a shake of his head he reached out and rubbed his thumb at it until it fully flaked and fell away. Kept rubbing until he was certain not even a hint of it was left. With a huff he looked at the spot appreciatively. 

“got it.” He chuckled, before freezing in place as his eyelights met your face full on. He felt his magic in his mouth go dry at the wideness in which you looked at him, the irises sparkling with confusion as your lips slightly pouted and accentuated their plumpness. He felt his soul skip and he rubbed his thumb against your chin again, this time slowly and hesitantly.

“Thanks.” Your voice came out in a whisper, slightly breathless. Sans’s eyelights hazed around the edges and he found himself leaning towards you even as his words came out to brush against you in heated breath.

“your welcome.” Your eyes slid shut and Sans felt himself pause. Before closing the last inch of space between you and capturing your lips. His soul humming as he felt your arms come up to wrap around his shoulders as his drifted down to encompass your waist. It wasn’t passionate or hurried. It was careful and considerate.

It filled Sans with a feeling he had never felt before, a peace he didn’t think was possible for him to achieve. He felt you giggle against him and he couldn’t help but laugh into the kiss himself.

The **tenth** time he messed up it was when Sans realized he had not kissed you sooner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten Times Sans Messed up and Accidentally Woo'd you, and him ;)  
I tried to do cute, really I tried!


	5. Greatness (Short)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating M  
Warnings in the Endnotes!

Sometimes it feels like nothing matters, like there’s not a point. 

That the smiles given and the happy cheeriness directed your way doesn’t feel real. End up feeling like a burden reaching out to those who at one point gladly reached out to you but no longer do. And you end up worrying if they’re tired of you. See you as pathetic and clingy, maybe fake and self-absorbed. You think you’re putting effort in trying to encourage them but somehow it falls short.

And then you’re left wondering, why bother trying? 

You get tempted to just give up, erase all the effort you’ve put into everything and curl up somewhere maybe hoping someone will notice even as you think how you don’t want them to. Truly it’s not anyone’s fault either. For all you know the people you’re trying to connect with are purely genuine in their enthusiasm and encouragement. But even if you acknowledge that fact it doesn’t make the pain stop. 

Doesn’t make the thoughts go away.

So you laugh and joke to hide it, but it’s probably over exaggerated because at the time you’re not thinking about how hard your forcing the laugh or trying to keep a smile. And in turn you end up making the thoughts worse, thinking that the friends in your life all feel your hollowness, see through the mask you wear. And because they discover it’s a mask you end up concluding that they’re disgusted by you. 

Or even hurt.

Then you have no way to stop that hurt because you’re too busy hurting, and they can see the obvious pain in your eyes which voids any attempts you want to make. They end up feeling not good enough which makes you feel selfish and dirty. It all circles back around into a never seemingly ending spiral of which you can’t escape. 

You drown in it. 

Become it.

And then you forget in that bleak moment what happiness even _is_.

Then you wonder...if the world would just be better off without you. And it takes everything inside you to resist even indulging in that thought because you know the moment you do it’s too late. That there’s no coming back from that. But still it tempts you, everyday and in every moment even when you sleep.

You want to cry out for help, but you know even if someone hears you. Reaches out to help save you. It won’t work. And it’s not about not wanting to help yourself because you do it just feels like you _can’t_. Then you lash out at the ones who even bothered to try with you, for you. All simply because you know you’ll just hurt them...maybe you don’t know that for a fact...but that’s all you can hear when you think on it.

“Do you know what that feels like?”

Papyrus’s sockets were focused on the ground in thought, his scarf moving slightly in the gentle autumn breeze as he clutched the cup of coffee in his mitten covered hands. You hadn’t wanted to tell him any of that, but he had asked you to. And already you could feel that dark cloud of rotting guilt starting to seep in as his silence encased you in a vial of anxiety and fear.

Had you just chased him away? Made him realize just how deep your problems ran and enlightened him to how _toxic_ you were as a person? You knew you shouldn’t have opened your mouth, shouldn’t have said a damned thing. All you ever did was upset people, whined like an immature child. And now it was about to cost you one of the only friends you’d made in a long time. 

Slowly Papyrus looked up, his gaze locking on a tree a distance away. The leaves a nice mix of luscious browns and dull oranges with reds weaving in between. You wondered what it would be like to be that tree. To not be a sentient being as people defined it, to simply exist to shed and to grow. Unbothered about companionship and acceptance. Loneliness.

Not having to worry about such human things.

“My Brother Feels That Way.” Papyrus’s voice came out unusually soft, carefully measured. Slowly he looked over at you with a weak smile gracing his teeth. An air of reassurance and comfort about him as he continued speaking.

“I Wish I Knew What To Say Or Do To Help Him Feel Better. To Help You Feel Better. Unfortunately I Don’t.” You let out a small bitter chuckle. Yeah you’d figured as much and it’s not like you’d expected him to in the first place. And now came the part where he’d say he was sorry and ask a pointless inquiry as to if you were ok or not. 

Everything was such a disappointment. 

“But,” You jolted and slowly looked back up at him as his smile became warmer and practically glowed in affection and love. “If Knowing You Has Taught Me Anything, It Is That You Are A Special Person In Your Own Right. Incomparable To Other People. And If You Need to Hear That Every Day So Be It For It Is True. I Can Do For You Like I Do For My Brother And Listen If You Need It. I Love Both Of You Too Much Not To. For You Are Both Great To Me And I’m Too Great To Be Wrong About Your Greatness.” 

You were speechless. Papyrus simply continued to smile before looking back at the tree as he sipped his coffee, giving you some semblance of privacy as the tears started to run down your face. His words were so heartfelt and refreshing, he’d managed to say it so casually but serious at the same time that you couldn’t find fault in it. Couldn’t see the crack or potential hidden meaning behind them. The thoughts couldn’t taint a single syllable of what he’d just declared.

Papyrus was willing to listen to you mope every day, repeat his statement day in and day out all with no qualms given or feelings hurt by the care your selfishness desperately longed for. 

You hadn’t realized your quiet tears had turned in loud wrenching sobs until you felt the tall skeleton reach over and pull you into his lap with one arm. Huddled you close as he kept staring at the tree and sipping his drink like nothing was out of the ordinary.

And you hadn’t known that this was what you _needed_.

It was sometime before your wails turned into small hiccups, your gross snot dripping into weak sniffles. When they finally ceased completely you noticed Papyrus had finished his coffee, his second arm now securely around your waist as his vision lingered where he had initially rested it and his smile still unwavering.

You looked down at first in shame and then gradually smiled as his arms instinctively tightened their hold. He was offering you privacy but wasn’t ignoring how your feelings shifted. He was paying attention yet at the same time keeping his distance. You hadn’t known that was possible for a person to do.

“I’m done.” Your voice came out a trained rasp. Papyrus however seemed to smile wider as he finally looked at your face, a hand leaving it’s hold on you for but a moment to pull a handkerchief from his jacket pocket so that he could clean away your tears. He made sure to pass it to you for your nose though, he respected that there were limits to how much babying a person could take. 

You were so grateful for that. For him.

“You’re great Papyrus.” He raised a bony brow at you with a small frown.

“I Believe I Already Said That, But I Shall Take The Praise If You Insist.” You snorted at his snark earning an adorable display of sparkles in his eyes. You wondered just what you had done to deserve him in your life. 

“Now If We Are Done With The Depressed Crying, I Believe We Have A Date To Resume.” A playful roll of your eyes was ignored as he stood and let you back onto your feet. 

“I told you what a date means multiple times Papyrus.” He blinked innocently as he looked down at you and then surprised you with a smirk.

“I Am Aware.” And the way he said it made you blush as he held out his hand to you. You chucked at his teasing and happily gripped his hand, gladly following wherever he had planned to lead you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depressed talks of dark themes, Hinted suicidal tendencies

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Blood, Death


End file.
